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Dear Andrea,
You are officially 24 - hurray, my friend! I am so blessed to have been able to be part of this journey you have taken in your life. I am proud of the milestones you have taken and the challenges you have braved. I am writing this in conjunction of your 24th birthday as an exercise for me to step outside of you and to write about what my thoughts and feelings are. I just wanted to let you know that I see someone who cares a lot about the world and the things she is passionate about in the world. You love hard and sometimes, maybe a little too much. I think you have a great sense of people and patterns, even an ability to guide others to find the gems within themselves to reach their fullest potential or hold on to the silver linings in their lives. However, I think you do a lousy job of seeing that in yourself and allowing yourself to regulate the strong emotions that course through you every day. It is like a dysfunctional filter that only works for other people but not for yourself - I sometimes wonder if you also have a dysfunctional thermometer that works very badly in sensing your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The more I reflect on your past relationships with the world and people, the more I am convinced that you seem to struggle to understand yourself, your thoughts, and especially your emotions. There were and will be times when you really need to do that first. I think you have loved and worked very hard, perhaps even without a real break in the past 5 to 7 years after high school. And perhaps in some ways, this has come crashing down on you in the past few months in the form of fatigue that has never really gone away and burnout. I think I see you some days and I get worried that all of this (whatever this is) is wearing you thin. You need a break, I whisper to you. And perhaps the whispers have grown louder in the past few weeks because you seem to be listening more than you used to. I understand that the stressors of the future is weighing you down and the pressure of time is not helping. I wish so much that I had a simple answer or resolve to this. But I do not. If there is anything I have learnt is that things are always complex, just like you. I see you looking at things and the world sometimes and wishing you were there or traveling the world, spending time with people you love without having to worry about what is next in life. I have also seen your concerted efforts in trying to stay present and live in the present. As you move forward, you and I don’t really know what is in store. I’m sorry I can’t do more but what I can do is be there for you. I just want you to know that when you get into those difficult phases in which you feel alone, know that I am with you. I have not left you and will never leave you. We are in this together. I feel your pain and your joy and we will carry this together in whatever adventure and path you choose ahead of you. Know that I will support you. And that is all you really need, whether you know it or not.
Love,
your inner voice.
