Describe yourself as a learner.

This was my first reflection assignment for a class I'm in about learning differences that made me reflect on my whole life as a learner more than I anticipated.  It made me think about a lot of things in the past that has changed and stayed the same.  I thought it would be a good post for this space--a good reminder for myself on what has happened, how far I've come, and the exciting and endless possibilities in the future.  

Sometimes, I feel the need to remind myself about things in the past for fear that I forget and not realise how I got here. Always blessed and striving to be grateful as best I can.

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I would say that I am firstly, a quiet and observant learner.  I find myself most inclined, at the very beginning, to take the world in through all my senses, especially visually.  This is when I allow myself to process whatever it is that is observed and heard for a good amount of time.  The flow of thoughts in my mind being thrown back and forth, in which a part of me plays devil’s advocate, is a big part of how I see myself as a learner, something which the public eye does not see or may consider in a negative light.  It is only when I have preferably heard multiple sides to the story in my attempts to understand motives and make sense of the entire picture, would I start asking myself what I see, what connections I find between different facets especially ones from personal experiences, what I agree or disagree with, which would eventually lead to me forming an opinion on the topic at hand.  Sometimes, this process takes much longer to develop than the duration of a full-length class discussion, which I view as a weakness, especially in classrooms at Hampshire, as well as a strength.  I have found that my strong intent to fully understand all facets (which sometimes may never truly happen) has caused me to hold back in the classroom instead of immediately speaking up—a trait that most of society would view as a weakness: being reserved in the classroom.  Nonetheless, I have grown to see it, also, as an ability that allows me to flesh out my thoughts and produce a response or opinion that is more thought through, exploring multiple facets.  In this way, I would say that I learn and perform best when given sufficient time to process the topic at hand, especially when I am able draw them to what I am passionate about.  When this happens, I am comfortable communicating this verbally as well as in writing.

Thinking about how I interact with the world came to be, I wrestle between my personality (arguably biological for some parts of it) as well as the environment and family I was raised in.  I was born and raised in Malaysia, under the national education system which had, at its core, an Asian value system where hard work, discipline, always listening and not questioning the teacher, being attentive to what is said in the classroom, completing all schoolwork on time, and doing well in examinations were all held in very high regard.  I would say that I have always been the kind of person who would endure anything in order to avoid conflict; I thrived greatly in social harmony.  What this meant for a child was the constant need to try and make everyone happy, especially my parents and teachers.  This made me a “good” student in the traditional sense.

Within the setting of my family, I feel that my parents advocated many core values found in an Asian household (though, some differences which I talk about later).  My mother was and is the most hardworking person I have ever met which says something when you have grown up in an Asian community.  From a very young age, I learnt a lot about how to do things through my mom’s actions and parenting.  I remember countless nights of her sitting with me either giving me extra work on the topic I was learning in school so I fully understood the content or together going through the corrections of the mistakes I may have done in the exercises I completed.  You could say there was a certain structure with regards to my studies which my mother felt was very important not only in my life but genuinely in her role as a mother who wanted the best for her child—in most cases, based on what she wasn’t able to get as a child, she would tell me.  In retrospect, I genuinely did not seem to have much resistance towards the structure, discipline, or the large amount of dedication instilled and expected of me at a very young age not only in my studies, but in everything I pursued.  I have grown to realise that this was because it was not just in my upbringing but truly inherent in me as my own person—it seemed that culture and biology paralleled each other.

Having said that, as I have matured, reflected, and seen my life trajectories in comparison with my peers, I have come to realise some differences in some parts of my family’s core values which has deeply influenced the way I make my decisions, see, and learn from the world, as well as live my life.  The typical Asian reasoning behind hard work is for a better life, to get a well-paying job in order to earn money to provide for your family, and in some communities, fame, power, and status can also be a contributing factor.  While my parents always advocated for me to strive for a better-paying career so that I did not have to go through what they had endured, there is an element of my happiness that seemed to stick in that core value system as well.  I remember my father to have a very kind heart through his actions towards other people and a strong belief and faith in me in what I was capable of doing (including things I didn’t think I was capable of doing). He always had a positive outlook on my triumphs and my failures—a lens through which I find myself using as a learner.  He was my support system through school and still is in spirit throughout my failures in college.  I recall both my parents very enthusiastic about exposing me to a wide range of activities such as the piano, guitar, violin, art classes, ballet, rhythmic gymnastics, the list continues.  We also went on a lot of annual family adventures to different places.  All of this, I believe has made me the curious, enthusiastic, and passionate learner I am today about things that excite me.  I always try to find a personal motivation, most of the time it is tied to passions of mine, in what I am learning.  With my inherent sense of aversion to conflict even at a young age, I found myself giving my whole heart in all that I learned and pursued partly because I knew my parents had given their whole heart in giving the best they could give to their child but also because I genuinely enjoyed and found joy in what I set my mind to accomplish.  It was a kind of balance and harmony that has recurred throughout my life.

Carrying this sensitivity to conflict and harmony with me, it complicated my adolescent years as the prevalence of peers crept into my life.  Plagued with a mix of teenage angst, jealousy, heightened self-consciousness, need for belonging, and search for identity, I believe my enthusiasm for things remained the same but the way in which I channelled it changed.  I began to keep a lot of my thoughts and enthusiasm inside of me for fear of being judged or disliked (being liked was an apparent thing to have as a teenager) instead of being as outspoken as I was before.  All of this has resulted in the way in which I interact with the world today: curious, seemingly reserved at first but passionate and enthusiastic when given the chance to express that.  In retrospect, however, I do feel a natural inclination to listen first then speak.  While the school environment may have shifted the way in which I negotiate my way in the world, it was also a period in which I was discovering my true inclinations.  Hence, I would say it was an inseparable mix of cultural and biological aspects which resulted in how I am as a learner.

At present, it has only been a year since I was exposed to another different education system of small, discussion-based classes on another side of the globe.  I am at a rather early stage of change but I do feel that I am at the point in my life where I have adopted multiple lenses in which I view and learn from the world because of my unique exposure to Eastern and Western culture.  I am now more aware of my natural inclinations as well and have made good strides, in my opinion, to processing things ahead of class and always finding my passions in the work I do, in order to be able to share my opinions in discussions—an adjustment I have made to improve my learning experience.  What I find interesting is that it is not only a personal trait that I am accommodating to but an entirely new classroom culture that encourages you to challenge the teacher or other students, speak up in class, and be critical of the material—all of which may seem a stark contrast to the environment I have been raised in my whole life.  If my parents and life experiences hadn’t taught me a certain level of positivity and openness to learning from challenges and experiencing new things, I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

Hence, this third-eye lens which often strives to tackle the difficult task of finding a balance between two opposing cultures defines me as a learner: one who empathises with learners who may be struggling to change or adapt to the current way of learning that they are in not because they are less capable or stupid but perhaps they were not raised that way, they are not naturally inclined to learn in that way, the set of expectations in their usual environment differs from that of the present—the factors are endless.  My desire to help people find their passions in what they are learning as I have found mine is a huge part of what I value in teaching and learning.  Because I have experienced it myself, I want other learners to be able to find joy and love in being genuine to themselves, be open and curious about what the world has to offer, and feel excited about the incredibly different ways in which they can learn and take in the world, one step at a time.