Pieces

I have been discovering many pieces of myself in greater detail this semester.  And it's been challenging and liberating, scary and exciting, all at once.

1. Standing up.

Recently, something very uncharacteristic of me happened.  I engaged in a heated discussion about the experiences of international students on a Facebook comment thread.  The gist: I was standing up for the divergent experiences of international students; someone claimed that that was anti-Black racism, questioned the telling of my own experience given my lack of knowledge, and that we had to all work towards an anti-capitalist framework or else it would perpetuate white supremacy. Long story short, I actually agreed with a lot that they said and I did not intend the discussion to turn out as heated as it did.  I was just trying to offer an additional perspective: that there are many ways racism and oppression manifest; international students who were raised outside the US may experience them in different ways than those who grew up in the US.  I did not deny that we were all racialised and oppressed.  I never once, at least in my opinion, raised my voice or disrespected the other people commenting but rather, just stood my ground on a perspective I was offering, even though I felt that they adopted a more condescending and invalidating tone than I thought necessary.  And that, to tell you the truth, hurt.

I stood up for something I felt had not been given the integrity that it deserved. This additionally intersected with my strong aversion to voices not being heard and communities that are not inclusive.  If I had to do it again, I would continue to stand up for what I believe in because I do not think I did anything wrong or invalidated any person's experience by offering a different perspective in spite of what other people claimed my agenda to be.

2. Multicultural Identity.

This made me think about the culture I grew up in--largely or partly, Asian (whatever that means).  My childhood experiences remind me of a culture that is averse to conflict--so averse to conflict that people do anything to stay out of the conflict to the extent of staying quiet, taking the brunt when it is not the truth, and running away from confrontation with people of differing opinions.  The West is a culture that has subtly (yet more than I thought) pervaded the Malaysian culture I grew up in.  And now, living in the States, has taken a more pronounced role in my life, albeit not too profoundly different from all my years in Malaysia.  In some ways, the West claimed the opposite: that everyone had the freedom to speak their mind and were encouraged to have and voice an opinion.  

And just on the mere fact that I have been, now more than ever, straddling between the two cultures makes me curious about how my multicultural experiences affect the way I see myself, the world, and the decisions I have and will make.  More often than not, I find myself the odd one out when it comes to how I frame my views and thoughts in class or in a conversation. Many times, these perspectives seem so natural and obvious to me but when I talk about it with other people, it becomes interesting that different people may get different parts of where I am coming from but never the entirety.  My perspective has always been a combination of two or three different experiences or perspectives.

3. Finding My Voice.

I try to make sense of this unique positionality and my agency in choosing which side of the extreme I associate most with--because my multicultural identity and experiences usually identify with both.  I guess this is why I believe that things are not as black and white as they seem--people, their beliefs, abilities, thoughts, and actions all fall on a spectrum.  It is more complicated than being respectful to people vs. not voicing your right to have an opinion, following your dreams vs. thinking about what your parents needs are, excelling in a major vs. having multiple passions to feverishly pursue.

I am grateful for the experiences the world has given me and the nuanced and layered lens through which all of this has allowed me to have.  It is sometimes difficult to be sensitive and constantly thinking about the different pressures, pushes, and pulls of the different needs and values that you know exist.  Sometimes, to know a lot can be a poison if you aren't able to make sense of it and find your own unique voice in the thick of things.

These few years of constant reflection, supportive, and new environments have allowed me to grow a lot--to continue to develop that voice of mine, to test out different lenses, and to (sometimes) ridiculously and (most of the time) reasonably, empathise and understand where any side is coming from.  Maybe understanding people and intensely seeing and feeling things from multiple points of view will always be my hidden superpower and kryptonite. Distinguishing my voice in the midst of that is what decides where I land on that spectrum.

Here's to growth, standing up, and finding my voice.

fly on

Ordinary

I don't get many ordinary days like this but when they come, they come and go too quickly.

Today, I woke up to silence, without an alarm clock, sushi-rolled in my blanket, and sunken into my mattress.  The sun rays from the window peeking into my room said hello and I rolled over, sinking even deeper into my dream.  My roommates had left and I had the house to myself.  So, I turned the kettle on and went to brush my teeth.  Two and a half tablespoons of Milo powder swirled into this chocolate malt richness whose taste can ridiculously transport me back to memories of home.  I have always been that boring person that only drinks water in the morning but Milo has been the drink I reach for every time I want to relive that piece of nostalgia from home--morning or night.  I get a text from a friend about a late lunch date today which I honestly almost forgot about.  I check the bus schedule and get a bit excited that my bus gets there 20 minutes earlier; I decide that I will use it to go for the long desired walk I was planning but never had the initiative to pull through.

Today, I have some homework to do, things I want to write and read about.  But that's okay.  In its whole, today is pretty open-ended and free.  And as the the reopening of college next week creeps into my periphery, in this instance of me typing away on my laptop and a streak of sunlight cuts through my quiet room, I think it's okay to not think about that for a while.  To just let the present be the present.  And to find joy in my quarter-full mug of Milo, breakfast banana, and the sun.  The little things.

I feel living as a college student and my life in general has always been about getting things done, making "the most" of my time, and catching up on unfinished work.  And I think I sometimes forget to be present in the moment as it is and appreciate just being.  I've been getting a little bit more mindful about it this semester and I'm liking these little pockets of mindful joy--these little pockets of sunshine.  So, I am writing all this down before I forget, knowingly or unknowingly, about the little things--about the present.

I don't get many ordinary days like this but when they come, they come and go too quickly.  And I want to thank today for being what it is: ordinary.

Thank you (:

Hate

Hate is a strong word.

I hate seeing people left out.

I hate voices not being heard, not including people. 

I hate treating humans any less than any other human.

I hate it.

nofilter

why is there so much pain and brokenness in this world

and why am i feeling so freaking upset frustrated mad and angry at myself for not being able to fix them

this is so ridiculous

but why do i always have to beat myself up about not being able to fix everything, to save the world, to be perfect

Kryptonite

Last time, there used to be this popular game we'd play as an ice breaker.  We would go around the circle and say what superpower we wanted to have to the person in the inner circle.  Once, I said that I wanted to be able to feel or understand what any person was feeling. I thought it was a pretty cool superpower--different from the regular ones.  My partner looked at me weirdly, "Why in the world would you want to be able to do that?"

Many years later, I laugh at this moment and wondered if I had misread the question.  I wondered if I had said a superpower I wish I had or something I already secretly had but didn't know yet. 

*

Let me tell you what it is like to be someone who feels too much.  

Let me tell you what it is like when these kind of people feel pain--either from people around them or themselves.

It is a visceral experience.  It is feeling your gut churn inside out at the pit of your stomach.  It is feeling your heart in the middle of your chest, mercilessly beating in your rib cage.  You are unsure if it is trying to come out of your chest or trying get you to pay more attention to it.  But whatever it is trying to do, it hurts.  But how can emotional pain possibly be felt so tangibly? This emotion-turned-somatic experience is too ridiculous, it can't be real, you tell yourself.  So, you don't tell anyone lest they don't believe you, or worse, they tell you to "get over it".  Sometimes, you try to suppress it but many attempts have proven counter-productive; some attempts have resulted in grave consequences.

Sometimes, I wonder why I have to feel so much.  Why can't emotions, especially of disappointment, anger, discomfort, or aversion to conflict just pass through me? Why can't I be "normal"? Why does it have to stay inside of me when I have no desire at all to become the host to these parasitic feelings that just don't know how to leave me alone.  Why do I have to carry all these emotions of other people, to the point that I frequently can't distinguish which is their emotions and which is mine--and more often than not, they end up becoming the same thing.

***

It is sometimes cool to have this superpower.  You see people, and then you really see people.  And you find so much joy in this world that people sometimes forget to notice or shrug off as "unimportant." I find myself discovering and appreciating so much more nuance in a person that apparently, other people don't see.  Sometimes, it feels like I'm wearing someone else's glasses--seeing what they are seeing and understanding how situations personally, relationally, and emotionally affect them.  It helps me talk to people and listen.  And it helps people open up.  If you could see all the colours that I see and live all the human stories that they tell, it is the most beautiful thing, I can tell you that.

And I guess today is just a bad day; things are overwhelming.  I just wanted to get this out--to remind myself that maybe this secret superpower can be my kryptonite. 

But that's not the only thing it can be.  

fly on

a superhero's humility

You know, I really appreciated that EMT's humility in saying that they didn't know what was going on with the patient when the patient asked them. And that they were still trying to figure it out. I think that we EMTs almost always get caught up in this idea that we are "superheroes" and that we "save" people's lives such that we try to convince ourselves that a "good" EMT has to know all the answers. Yes, we should know our skills and medical knowledge (which can always be improved) but that doesn't make us completely invincible from lack of clues, human error, personal weaknesses, or a bad day. While putting on a face can help us stay calm, have a clear organised line of thought, and keep the patient calm, sometimes, based on the context (especially in psychologically vulnerable situations), being honest with the patient and genuine with what we are doing has equal value to it too. Maybe we need to be willing to step down from our "superhero" pedestal more often and acknowledge that sometimes, we won't know everything, we can't answer all their questions. But we can try. And we can keep persisting in trying to figure out how to best help the patient to the best of our capacity--constantly communicating our earnestness and that we are there for the patient. Even if we don't have everything figured out. 

Because most of the time, we will not have everything figured out.