Jump

For as long as I know, I’ve been struggling with externalising my thoughts a lot—one of the reasons why my blog posts, I feel, are so far apart and disjointed from each other. Lately, I’ve not been liking my style of writing—mulling over things too much to the point that I lose that urge to finish writing a post. Too much of wanting everything to sound “perfect” (whatever that even means). Also, I think, the fear of what outside people may think of my thoughts and of making my stories too personal. Afraid of thinking that people can see what I think, especially those not fully formed.  I think it's just always been part of my personality.  These couple of years jumping leaps and bounds outside my comfort zone has really just made me more aware and sensitive to my inclinations and how best to navigate them at different times.  Guess this may be one of those times to jump, again, and see where I end up.

I’ve been thinking a lot (surprise, surprise). And I’ve been finding more and more value in this idea of journalling, reflecting, and thinking critically through writing (read: being more courageous in expressing myself and speaking up). As much as I love looking and playing with my ideas and thoughts in my head, I feel some of them slip away too quickly.  And speaking up can be liberating albeit heart attack-inducing for people who feel too much (like me). Maybe working as an EMT on-campus for a year and studying more about human emotions, learning, and growth have added to the lens I am looking through. Been feeling a sudden enthusiasm for some change too. In a carpe diem kind of way. 

So, I’m not really sure what this is. But I’m slowly developing this idea of maybe documenting my last few weeks in New York as it happens more. And a mental note to try to write things down as they happen instead of putting it off months and months, waiting for the whole story to end before writing about it. I anticipate frustration, some failure, and anxiety in this little project. But hey, let’s go with it for now. 

I jump