Last year, I painted my nails the same colour. I remember looking at it the night I painted it and then caught myself looking at it again several times after that night. I remember not liking the colour. It was too pink, for me, I thought. It reminded me of how I felt like pink was too girly a colour for me to admit to wanting to wear. I remember thinking how this pink wouldn’t go with how I would want to dress because I don’t dress that girly anyway. It doesn’t “represent” me.
These moments come every once in a while but I think I’ve made some strides from my younger self. There was phase during my primary school days when I ensured that I did not step out of the house wearing any colour or clothing that would suggest that I was “girly” (whatever that means). I would choose long baggy cargo pants that were black. I’d choose tops that were t-shirts or shirts that seemed gender neutral. I’d stay away from skirts or dresses, almost as if I was too cool for them. Looking back, I remember how much I worried about being thought of as “girly” by other students in my primary school. I needed to show them that there was no ounce in my body that would suggest to them that I was, I thought to myself.
In retrospect, perhaps I was self-conscious about the teasing made towards the barbie doll-themed bags I would buy, the pink pencil box my mom got me (with the cool built-in sharpener and mirror), or the row of new-looking hand-me-down barbie dolls that my friends would see when they visited my house. On one hand, I had a mommy who loved me very much and perhaps went a little overboard when I showed initial interest in barbie dolls or pink. After a while, I would get known by how many barbie dolls I had at home or my pink barbie doll lunch bag I always brought. On the other hand, I am not sure whether the comments from other classmates became too condescending or negative—that part is a blur. But I do recall feeling this weird urge or desire to do everything in my power to convince everyone around me that I was anything but the girl who had these things. I started to go against it. It became the catalyst to my “rebellion” against pink or all things girly.
It has been so many years and I have gradually gotten over a lot of this. Scarily, there are some issues I still work on to this day (re: the pink nail polish story in the beginning). Nevertheless, it feels good writing about it now because I feel like I’ve never really found a space to process that period of my life in better honesty and clarity.
Taking a step back, first, I see a younger self that was probably pampered and a mom who probably needed to take a step back and not get everything she thought her child wanted. Second, I see a younger self who first embraced what she liked but then, upon judgement from others, tried so hard to avoid any associations with who she was and what she liked (even if she wasn’t sure) in hopes of gaining a sense of validation or belonging with the in group. In her intense drive to “belong” or be “accepted,” I think she lost a bit of her own self, her own freedom and openness to experiment with new things, try something on a whim, live genuinely, make mistakes, get back up, and be okay with making more—she started living in this precarious bubble of made-up assumptions of what is “acceptable” to be or do in society or her “friends”.
So, 14 years later, here is my long overdue letter to my younger self:
Dear Andrea,
I see you have found quite a liking to barbie dolls and pink things - cool! I’m sure there will be more stuff you’ll find in your adventures but I’d say enjoy this moment! Maybe tell mommy not to get too overexcited and hold off on getting everything in the world for her only daughter. She loves you dearly and this is how she is showing you her love but a good reminder for her once in a while to just let things be can go a long way for you to be a stronger person.
I also know you feel like you want your friends to like you. Or you feel that you need to prove something to people around you. You don’t—as unconvinced as you may be reading this. Your true friends will stick around regardless of what things you bring to school or what colours you like.
Moving forward, you will forget this many times so I am letting you know this cheesy thing you’ll probably roll your eyes at: You are beautiful and awesome the way you are. You are also 10—there is a whole world of things, people, and passions ahead of you that I am so excited for you to discover and pursue whole-heartedly! There will be things that you love, ones that you don’t, some that you’ll pursue and realise after that it isn’t your thing. And that is all part of the adventure and equally important! Things don’t always have to be perfect or come out exactly how you picture it in your head, as frustrating as that may sound now. Trust me, patience, mindfulness, and riding the wave will be themes that will be of great help along the way!
This is your journey of self-discovery. You will discover what you like, what you don’t like, and all of this will change again and again. And that is okay. But don’t sell yourself and your adventure short wasting time worrying about shaping a perfect image of how you think society or your friends want to see you. Life is too short to obsess over what every single person might or might not think of you and the choices you make.
Be you—whether that means your favourite colour is pink, black, purple or all of the above; whether you like barbie dolls, kung fu fighting, ballet, or both. You write your story—don’t let someone else write it. Be open to new, different things. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Make some more. Live and love courageously and not in fear. I’ve got you 😉
With love,
Andrea
No comments:
Post a Comment