One Step

It’s been very difficult to be vulnerable. My trip back home had A LOT to do with vulnerability. It also had a lot to do with checking my self for my past tendencies for perfectionism and control. In some ways, control and perfectionism lie on the opposite side of the spectrum from vulnerability and openness. 

My trip home had me looking inward a lot of the time and sometimes, forcing myself to try and be real, be genuine, and try to understand what my feelings and thoughts were even in its rawness. And be okay with it. I am grateful and so happy that I pushed myself to do that. And that I continue to push myself to be present in all of this. Another milestone in Andrea’s growth adventures taken/still being taken!

There were several relationships with people that I felt I hadn’t been completely honest with myself and with the other person about. I was tired of living behind that guise, so, I would say it was a goal for me, when I returned, to clear the air and say my part. To stand up for what I wanted to say—as vulnerable as that was for me, especially not knowing what the response would be. But I did it anyway. And I am glad. 

I’ve been noticing how much fuller my heart is and how much more at peace I am with myself, my feelings, and the people around me. I also feel more grounded, centered. And it isn’t like everything is perfect and there are no problems anymore. No, it is quite far from that. But it feels, as I was telling my friend, like I have resurfaced to the top from 20,000 feet underwater and I am now swimming. With a weight attached to my foot, but I am swimming. And I feel like I may have enough stamina and moments of air, for now, to just keep doing that—swim. And swim I will. 

I am taking it one stroke at a time. I like this self right now of being more mindful about what’s going on in my heart and mind, acknowledging it, embracing and feeling it (the pain and the joy), and then putting the next foot in front of the other, knowing that it’s part of the journey. All of it. 

So, the resolution or the theme for this year is to take one step at a time. Because that is what I can do. 

Amen.